the precipice

Anger. There’s so much stuck anger. Mine? Not mine? Mine and others? It is hard to believe that the anger that I watch float by is mine? But maybe it is? 

Jack has been sick in bed for 3 days, which is SHOCKING (more on that later, or maybe a different post). So I’ve been diving deep. I dove into film coverage of the Seeds Of Compassion gathering. I watched hours of magnificently illuminated visionaries articulate what makes my heart leap. I come so alive listening to the wisdom,I feel in the deep recesses of my being, be spoken.

Commentary on why we are here. What our purpose is. How we are all one with one collective mission on unique and individual paths. 

I watched with laughter and tears as Archbishop Tutu and His Holiness teased each other and eloquently responded to immensely important questions. 

I dove even deeper yesterday into documentaries capturing individuals on their quests. Their seeking journey for Gd. The divine within. How when you are called to go so deep inside, to hear the mysteries of the universe, you simply can not, not. How can you explain this burning desire to others? You really can't. 

Stephen upsettingly retorted back to me last week, “why are the expectations always higher for me?!” My response—- “I don’t know. But they are. Gd has asked us, so we answer.” 

Back to anger. My anger. His anger. The worlds anger. 

I KNOW how Gd speaks to me. And I know what He says. I know what it means to be awakened. And I know how life should be flowing from the infinite springs of the Creator. But ... but ... I get stuck. I get stuck in the muck of this world. In others sleepiness. I watch old emotional coding, mine and those I love, still being prevalent.  I get stuck in my own misperception of my failings. I ponder over and over where I allow the broken record to keep skipping and not just pull the needle off. 

I seem to be perpetually walking the precipice caught between Luke’s gospel 

“Blessed are those servants the master finds awake when he comes...From everyone that much has been given, much will be required.” 
And Archbishop Tutu's wise words “Gd looks down on our failings and brushes us off and says ‘oh poor you, you messed up again, come along, get back out there.’” 

To hold the knowledge in my heart to stay fully awake, while simultaneously embracing my humanity, and that as tired as I get, Gd still loves me. The deep desire to strive and reach where He is calling me, and accepting that I will always fall short. Making peace with my own inadequacies. Integrating that, that IS the journey. 

I’m good with my imperfection. I have spent so much time loving into my shadows. Yet internally I am missing the mark. I know I am asked to heal deeper. Accept more. I am created for more light and more creation, yet I am holding myself disconnected from that full brilliance Gd wishes to bestow, due to old patterning. 

I wish to see my son healed. Fully integrated into this life incarnation free of pain.  

I wish to see our collective family coding free from anger. Enveloped in forgiveness. Of self and all. 

These 2 wishes are not separate but 1. 

And I know the path lies within me. 

This is my continuing journey. 

And onward I march. 🎺